Curses, Foiled Again!
by irenadorable
Summary: If House was a musical soap opera, it would go a little something like this.
1. The Custody Battle

---

(At CAMERON'S apartment, on a DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. CHASE and CAMERON are seated on her couch.)

CAMERON: Did you hear what House said to Wilson today? It was so mean.

CHASE: Yeah, I'm sure it was. Want to have sex now?

CAMERON: I just don't understand why House is always so mean.

CHASE: Uh, because he's a raving lunatic.

CAMERON: How can you say that? House is just misunderstood. Inside, he's as innocent as a newborn lamb!

CHASE: (snorts)

CAMERON: All he needs is a little love.

CHASE: Or a straightjacket.

CAMERON: (glares) For someone who wants to have sex so badly, you're sure not working very hard to make it happen.

CHASE: Right, sorry!

CAMERON: Whatever. I'll be in my room. (exits.)

CHASE: (walks to the bathroom.) I'll be right there.

CAMERON: Well, hurry up, or I'll have to find someone else to have convenient no-strings-attached sex with.

CHASE: (to himself) I can't let Cameron leave me for House. There has to be a way to make her stay. I know! (pokes holes into condom with needle.) Once I impregnate Cameron, there is absolutely no way she'll leave me for House. It's foolproof. (laughs diabolically)

CAMERON: (yells from other room) Chase! Why aren't we having sex yet?

CHASE: Coming! (evil giggle) In more ways than one…

---

(In CUDDY'S office, the next day.)

CUDDY: Good Lord, Wilson. That was mind-blowing.

WILSON: (pulls his shirt on) I know.

CUDDY: (glare)

WILSON: But you were better! (cheesy smile)

CUDDY: (wistfully) If only we could really express our love by having a child together.

WILSON: A child?

CUDDY: A child! But alas, I do not seem to be able to give birth to a child.

WILSON: If only we could find some moron who would carry the child instead of you.

CUDDY: But where would we find such a person?

(CAMERON walks by the office.)

CUDDY and WILSON: Hmmm…

CUDDY: (singing)   
My dearest, darling Wilson,  
We've hatched a perfect little plot.  
It's going off without a hitch,  
There's no way we're getting caught.

WILSON: (singing)  
First, we're getting Cameron

Pregnant with our kid.  
But we're doing it in secret,

No one can know what we did.

CUDDY: (singing)

Then when the time comes,  
She'll have a very difficult labor.  
And luckily for us,

It'll be up to me to save her.

WILSON: (singing)   
After Cameron's out of danger,

And happy to not be dead,  
She'll give us the baby,  
And we'll raise it instead…

CUDDY: TO THE FERTILITY LAB!

CUDDY and WILSON: (laugh diabolically)

(CUDDY and WILSON exit.)

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: So Cuddy and Wilson fertilized her egg with his sperm and knocked Cameron out during one of her prenatal visits. Because, you see, Chase did succeed in knocking her up. Anyway, Cuddy and Wilson switched the embryos and waited with great anticipation for the blessed event. They planned to give Cameron some kind of pills that would ensure a difficult birth. Want to know what I did during all of this? Not a damn thing. I hate fanfic.

(singing)

They give Chase all the attention.  
He cries, whines and slits his wrists.  
He gets sex-change operations,

But no one knows Foreman exists.

Cameron gets all angsty,  
House and Wilson have tons of sex,  
Cuddy's character is studied,  
But about me everyone forgets.

Even this stupid, stupid musical:  
The only way I could be in it  
Was to talk about the others  
And I've gotta leave in a minute!

So please don't forget about me,  
And write me into your stupid fics.  
'Cause if you guys don't stop ignoring me,  
Shore's gonna give me the deep six. (is yanked off stage with HOUSE'S cane)

---

(At a delivery room in PPTH)

CHASE: (paces around) It's here! The event that will keep my beloved Cameron from House forever has finally arrived.

CAMERON: What are you talking about?

CHASE: I love you?

CAMERON: (screams in pain)

CHASE: Push!

CAMERON: Oh, it's out.

CHASE: Cool. What do you want to name it?

(Outside the room)

CUDDY: What the fuck, Wilson? I thought you gave Cameron the difficult-birth pills.

WILSON: I put them in her peanut butter sandwich earlier today.

CUDDY: Well, you obviously didn't.

HOUSE: Hey Wilson, what's the DDX for having contractions when you're not pregnant?

CUDDY: (hisses to Wilson) You stupid, stupid idiot.

(tears well up in WILSON'S eyes)

(HOUSE and WILSON exit)

CUDDY: (singing)

Oh, my evil plan was foiled.  
Cameron isn't in my debt,  
All because of stupid Wilson.  
But this isn't over yet!

I'm going to get that baby,  
No matter how long it takes.  
And this time Wilson isn't helping;  
There'll be no more mistakes.

---

(HOUSE enters.)

HOUSE: Something's up.

(singing)  
Cuddy's in cahoots with Wilson, and

Cameron's having Chase's baby.  
One of them could have lost a bet,  
Perhaps, I don't know, maybe.

Whatever's going on here,  
Everyone should know this:  
I'm going to find out,  
And I'm going to expose this.

I'll start by watching Cuddy,

I'm thinking she's the key.  
I'm getting to the bottom of this,  
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.  
(diabolical laughter)

(HOUSE exits)

---

(FOREMAN enters)

FOREMAN: House listened in on some conversations and heard Cuddy plotting to steal the child. He deduced that it was her child, and stole her soup spoon to run the test. Upon confirmation, all he had to do was find out who the father was. Oh, and me? I ate a sandwich. ALL I ASK FOR IS A LITTLE ATTENTION!

(FOREMAN starts to leave, then stops)

Oh, yeah. House decided to get the DNA from all his suspects in a … most unusual manner. And _I _wasn't even on the list.

(FOREMAN exits)

---

(WILSON'S office. HOUSE enters)

HOUSE: Hey Wilson, come here!

WILSON: What do you want?

(HOUSE pulls WILSON into a passionate kiss. After they are done making out, HOUSE limps away, swabbing his cheek.)

WILSON: OH HO! What the hell was that? (pause) I liked it.

(Spotlight shines on WILSON.)

WILSON: (singing)  
I made out with my best friend,  
I should be disgusted.  
But instead I kind of liked it.  
If House finds out, I'm busted.

I have no future with Cuddy,  
All she wants is a child.  
But thinking about House,

Really drives me wild.

I don't know what to do,  
I think I'll just wait.  
And let him make the first move,   
Oh, I hope he isn't straight!

(WILSON exits.)

---

(FOREMAN enters)

FOREMAN: House continued making out with suspected fathers of Cuddy's baby. After he finished his investigation, House went to the DNA lab and paid off some lab tech to rush the tests. One night, House gathered everyone in Cuddy's office and prepared to reveal the results. I wasn't even invited.

(FOREMAN leaves)

---

(CUDDY'S office, on another DARK AND STORMY NIGHT)

HOUSE: (stands) I think you all know why I've gathered you here tonight.

FOREMAN: (lurks in a corner)

CAMERON: Actually, we don't. What's going on?

THE BABY: (cries)

CHASE: House, what's this all about?

HOUSE: You are NOT the father of Cameron's baby.

CAMERON: (clutches pearls) Well, I never!

CHASE: Traitorous harlot woman!

CAMERON: I never cheated on you! I didn't even think about my poor dead husband!

HOUSE: Oh, and Cameron, you aren't the mother.

WILSON and CUDDY: (guilty looks)

CAMERON: What? What are you talking about?

HOUSE: That's not your baby. It's Cuddy and Wilson's. Apparently, they've been having illicit meetings in the fertility labs. They switched their embryo with yours so you'd give birth to the child for them.

CHASE: Then where's our baby?

HOUSE: They killed it!

WILSON: You lie!

CUDDY: Well so what? I did it! And I'd do it again if I had the chance.

CAMERON: I can't believe you! I'm calling my lawyer.

CUDDY: Well so am I. And by my lawyer, I mean … Stacy.

EVERYONE: (gasps) Not Stacy!

---

(In the Diagnostics room)

CAMERON: (singing)  
I can't believe they did this,  
They had no right!  
But we're not giving up,  
Without a fight.

CHASE: (singing)  
Does it really matter that much?

We can always try again.  
That baby isn't ours,  
Our poor kid was slain.

CAMERON: (singing)  
That's exactly why we're doing this,  
Cuddy and Wilson are evil.  
We're taking them to court—

CHASE: (singing)  
But that'll cause a huge upheaval!

CAMERON: I don't give a damn!

CHASE: Well, fine then. We'll call a lawyer.

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: Did somebody say lawyer?

CHASE: Foreman, what are you doing?

FOREMAN: (singing)

You guys kept ignoring me,

So I became a lawyer.  
I think I'm really good at it,  
They'll call me "the destroyer".

CHASE: Foreman, it's been like a day since House exposed Cuddy and Wilson. How'd you become a lawyer overnight?

FOREMAN: I got an email from a "prestigious unaccredited university". I sent 50 bucks and they FedExed me a law degree.

CHASE: Foreman, those things are a scam.

FOREMAN: No duh. I was just sick of having to narrate this damn thing.

CHASE: What are you charging for your legal services?

FOREMAN: (thinks hard) A dollar.

CHASE: Done.

CAMERON: Cheap-ass.

FOREMAN: Let's go plan our strategy.

(They exit.)

---

(Enter EVIL NURSE BRENDA, wearing a showgirl outfit.)

EVIL NURSE BRENDA: The trial's about to start, so here's a musical number to tide you over…

(singing)

I don't see them very often,

But I've got everyone's number.  
Here's a song about all of them,

Before the trial makes you want to slumber.

House is a limping douchebag,  
Eats Vicodin like it's candy.  
If he's got stuff to bitch about,  
Everything's fine and dandy.

Wilson and House are BFF,

But I think there's something deeper.  
House needs to go for it,  
'Cause that Wilson is a keeper.

Cuddy's the boss of all of us,  
She loves wearing low-cut tops.  
When she and House start snarking,  
The sexual tension never stops.

Cameron's usually a whiner,  
And she has a little crush.  
Every time House talks to her,  
Her brain turns to mush.

Chase is a rich white boy,  
With great-looking blonde hair.  
When he walks into an exam room,  
All the patients stop and stare.

Foreman stabbed Cameron with a needle,  
And told her she wasn't a friend.  
In the field of being an asshole,  
House is the only one he can't transcend.

There you go, that's everyone,  
They're all kind of off the wall.  
But one day they'll bow to me,  
AND I WILL RULE THEM ALL.

(diabolical laughter)

(EVIL NURSE BRENDA exits.)

---

(In a courtroom. CUDDY, WILSON, and STACY are seated at one table, and CAMERON, CHASE, and FOREMAN are seated at the other. HOUSE is lurking the shadows in the back.)

JUDGE: So, what seems to be the problem here?

CAMERON: They killed my baby!

CUDDY: Well, _they _won't give back _my _baby!

CHASE: Because you _killed _ours!

CUDDY: _So_?

JUDGE: I've got to step in before this use of italics gets out of control. Guys, let your lawyers do the talking.

FOREMAN: I object!

JUDGE: Mail-order law degree?

CHASE: (nods)

JUDGE: Does the defense have anything to add?

STACY: There's nothing wrong with performing life-changing medical procedures on someone without their knowledge.

JUDGE: (facepalm)

(HOUSE hits a gigantic PAUSE button conveniently located next to him.)

HOUSE: This trial lasted for, well, for about 23 episodes. A bunch of people died because (whiny voice) no one would do a differential diagnosis with me! (stomps foot) Anyway, I started talking to the judge during the frequent recesses—Chase's hair won't just gel itself, you know—and I mentioned that I've been working with all these psychos for years. She asked me for some character references. Now they'll have to pay attention to me (hits giant FAST FORWARD button, then presses PLAY and walks up to the witness stand).

JUDGE: So, Doctor House, what can you tell me about who should have the right to parent this child?

HOUSE: Cameron took crystal meth a couple of years ago.

CAMERON: But—

HOUSE: It was after she thought she might have gotten AIDS.

CAMERON: Because someone coughed blood on me!

HOUSE: She also blackmailed me into going on a date with her. (shakes head sadly)

CUDDY: Ha! Take that, Chase and Cameron!

HOUSE: Cuddy asked men out on dates as a cover for determining if they were good enough to donate sperm to father her child. (matter-of-factly) She's a sperm addict.

CUDDY: Hey!

HOUSE: She also dresses rather slutty sometimes. Is this the kind of mother figure you want the child to have?

JUDGE: Um, okay. What about Doctor Wilson?

HOUSE: (pulls out five-subject notebook) Do you want the list alphabetically or by date?

JUDGE: Surprise me.

(Five hours later)

JUDGE: It seems that the only one of these people that isn't totally depraved is Doctor Chase.

HOUSE: Ah, but let me tell you about this one time... (whispers to JUDGE)

JUDGE: And he _kissed _her?

CHASE: I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE A DYING GIRL HER FINAL WISH. Let it die, people! (pause) And seriously, can I help it if the chicks dig me? (hair flip)

HOUSE: And when Cameron called you, high on meth and wanting sex?

CHASE: She might have had AIDS, I couldn't just say no!

JUDGE: I think we've heard enough. I'm gong to make my decision now. (exits)

---

(JUDGE enters the courtroom)

JUDGE: Since I don't really think any of you are fit to parent a child, I was going to give it to Doctor House, but he looks as though he'd devour it or make it into a paperweight. So, I flipped a coin. Custody goes to Doctors Cuddy and Wilson.

CUDDY: YES! (diabolical laughter)

CAMERON: No!

CHASE: Now there's nothing to stop Cameron for leaving me for House!

(record scratches)

CAMERON: What?

CHASE: Nothing. I sneezed.

CAMERON: No you didn't. You said that I would leave you for House if we didn't have the baby.

CHASE: Um, what I meant was—

CAMERON: Did you…get me pregnant so I would stay with you?

CHASE: No, not really…

CAMERON: Yes, you did! I can't believe you! (storms off in a huff)

CHASE: Crap. (puts face into hands and cries)

CUDDY: You can do better than her.

CHASE: (lifts tear-stained face to look at CUDDY) I can?

CUDDY: I'm impressed with your plotting skills.

CHASE: You are?

CUDDY: Get Cameron pregnant? That's genius. You knew she'd never be able to leave a poor hopeless baby.

CHASE: I guess it was pretty good.

CUDDY: Come on, walk with me. We'll talk.

(CUDDY puts her arm around CHASE and the two exit)

WILSON: But—but what about me? (pause) Wait, I didn't like her anyway. Hey, House!

HOUSE: What?

WILSON: I think I love you.

HOUSE: Would you ever cut off one of my body parts while I was in a medically induced coma?

WILSON: NEVER!

HOUSE: Well, okay then.

(HOUSE and WILSON exit, arm in arm)

CAMERON: (pokes head in) Well, where does this leave me?

FOREMAN: Hey, Cameron, could I borrow your notes on our latest case?

CAMERON: (glares)


	2. The Murder

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: We pick up six months after the end of Part One. Since we last saw our heroes, House and Wilson have remained in love, Cuddy and Chase have stayed together to raise her and Wilson's child and have thought of numerous evil plots, thought they haven't actually put any into motion yet. Cameron is just as whiny as always. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I—

HOUSE: (from off-stage) We weren't!

FOREMAN: Fine, mock me. You'll regret it later. (diabolical laughter)

(FOREMAN exits)

---

(At HOUSE'S apartment, on a DARK AND STORMY NIGHT.)

HOUSE: I can't believe you would do this!

WILSON: House, all I did was say hi to one of the oncology nurses.

HOUSE: Yeah, but it was the _way _you said it.

WILSON: Like an employer greeting his employee?

HOUSE: Oh, so now she's your "employee"? Is that what they're calling it these days?

WILSON: But House, I love you!

HOUSE: Oh, that's convincing. (crosses his arms and turns away)

WILSON: (singing)  
I've never felt this way

About anyone before.   
I've been married three times,

But it's you whom I adore.

HOUSE: (singing)

Those are all empty words,

And ones I just can't believe.  
The idea of you being faithful,

Is one I just can't conceive.

WILSON: (singing)  
But my dearest, my darling,

I love you to bits.

And if you go and end this,

I think I'll lose all my wits.

HOUSE: (singing)  
I simply can't help it,  
But I don't believe you.

WILSON: (singing)  
But House, my pet,

Why would I deceive you?

HOUSE: (singing)

I don't really know,

But this can go on no longer.

WILSON: (singing)

House, alone, we're both pathetic,

But together we grow stronger.

HOUSE: (singing)  
Infidelity is in your nature,

There's nothing I can do,

I'm very much in love,

But I simply can't trust you.

WILSON: (singing)

Fine, leave, just go!  
My broken heart will mend,

But, House, I'm telling you,

This is not the end!

(HOUSE exits. WILSON sits down on the piano bench and sobs.)

---

(The next day, in the Diagnostics conference room. HOUSE is seated in his office, and FOREMAN, CAMERON, and CHASE are playing hangman on the whiteboard.)

CHASE: Q?

FOREMAN: No, sorry. You died.

CHASE: That's the twenty-third time in a row you've won. What was the word?

FOREMAN: Apple.

CHASE. Curses, foiled again! (pause) Well, at least I have pretty hair. (hair flip)

CUDDY: (enters the conference room) New case, guys. (throws some files on the table and exits)

CAMERON: I'll go let House know. (picks files up and opens the door to HOUSE'S office.) Hey House, we've got a new case.

HOUSE: Who cares? We all die alone!

CAMERON: (closes door to office and moves closer to HOUSE) Are you all right? Is there anything I can do?

HOUSE: (glares at her) Don't try to comfort me.

CAMERON: But House, I was just—

HOUSE: I know what you were doing, you…you _woman_.

CAMERON: House, what's wrong?

HOUSE: Harlot! Away, demon!

CAMERON: All right then. (exits)

---

(FOREMAN enters)

FOREMAN: House was in an even worse mood than usual for quite some time. Cameron kept trying to comfort him, but every time she, Cuddy, or any other female came anywhere near him, he just called her a harlot and waved his cane around. Wilson sulked a lot. Chase got nominated for _What Not To Wear_. Twenty-three times. That's about it. I talked about House, Cameron, Wilson, Cuddy, and Chase. I think they left someone out, but—

CHASE: (from off-screen) Nope, get off the stage!

FOREMAN: (glares) Fine. I'll leave.

(FOREMAN exits)

---

(In the Diagnostics conference room. CAMERON is seated at the table, alone. WILSON enters.)

WILSON: Hey, Cameron. What's up?

CAMERON: Oh, not much. I'm just trying figure out a way to MEND MY BOSS'S BROKEN HEART. WHICH YOU BROKE. IT'S BROKEN. BECAUSE OF YOU.

WILSON: But I didn't mean—

CAMERON: (screams) HEART-BREAKER.

WILSON: Cameron, I couldn't help it. All I did was talk to one of my nurses. House seems to think that I can't help but be unfaithful to a significant other.

CAMERON: (sulkily) Maybe you can't.

WILSON: Fine! Maybe I can't. But you know what? It's not my fault. I'm damaged.

CAMERON: (eyes light up) Damaged?

WILSON: We all are, really.

CAMERON: (ignores him and speaks in a trance-like voice) Damaged.

WILSON: Um, Cameron?

CAMERON: (snaps back to attention) Yeah?

WILSON: Are you all right?

CAMERON: Of course. Hey, have you eaten?

WILSON: No, not yet.

CAMERON: Want to go to lunch? My treat.

WILSON: (nods) Sure.

CAMERON: Let's go.

(WILSON exits.)

CAMERON: (diabolical laughter)

(CAMERON exits.)

---

FOREMAN: (from off-screen) They're not even giving me have screentime now. (yells) THREE WEEKS LATER…

---

(At WILSON'S hotel room. CAMERON and WILSON are making out passionately on the hotel bed.)

WILSON: I love you, Cameron. (strokes CAMERON'S hair)

CAMERON: I love you too, Wilson. But why haven't we told anyone about, well, us?

WILSON: We will, don't worry.

CAMERON: Good. I don't like sneaking around this.

(CAMERON and WILSON continue kissing.)

---

(The next day, in the Diagnostics conference room.)

HOUSE: Since the patient is a woman and all women are evil, she is clearly suffering from demonic possession. Chase, I believe that's your area.

CHASE: I didn't get that far in seminary school, sorry.

HOUSE: Foreman, any ideas?

FOREMAN: I think you're completely psychotic.

HOUSE: Right. Cameron?

CAMERON: Um…

HOUSE: Cameron, I'm waiting.

CAMERON: (screams) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. WILSON AND I ARE DATING.

HOUSE, FOREMAN, and CHASE: (shocked gasps)

---

(At CUDDY'S house, in the SECRET CHAMBER OF EVIL SCHEMES.)

CUDDY: I can't believe Wilson is dating _Cameron_.

CHASE: Yeah, me either. It seems like just yesterday when we were—

CUDDY: What?

CHASE: Nothing. I hear the baby crying. (CHASE exits very quickly.)

CUDDY: I need to think of a way to break them up. This relationship is going to ruin my hospital. TO THE DRAWING BOARD! (diabolical laughter)

CHASE: (from off-screen) Are you all right?

CUDDY: Yeah, I'm fine. Feed the baby.  
(singing)

I can't let Wilson and Cameron

Continue what they've started.  
It's gone on too long, I fear,

And they'll to have to be parted. 

I don't know how I'll do it,  
But something will come to mind.  
The easiest way is to get Wilson  
To leave Cameron behind.

What if in his office,  
He suddenly found a hooker?  
He'd try to make her leave,  
But she'd be quite the looker!

He wouldn't be able to resist,  
Cheating's in his nature.  
Cameron would be sad, but  
It's okay, we all kind of hate her.

Yes! I think that this will work,  
And if it doesn't, well,  
I'll think of something else,  
They'll break up, and it'll be swell!  
(diabolical laughter)

---

(The next day, in CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated at her desk. CHASE enters.)

CHASE: Who are you on the phone with?

CUDDY: Ilsa's Hooker Emporium. I have a surprise for Wilson.

CHASE: I like what I'm hearing.

CUDDY: Well, all that's left to do is wait.

CHASE: I know a way to pass the time.

(CUDDY and CHASE make out, because CUDDY/CHASE makeout scenes are HOT.)

FOREMAN: from off-screen) TWO HOURS LATER!

CUDDY: Nothing has happened yet. She should have been here by now.

CHASE: (pulls CUDDY'S panties off his head) Maybe she's late.

CUDDY: Oh, she better not be pregnant.

CHASE: Other kind of late.

CUDDY: Right. Well, she really should have been here by now.

(HOUSE limps by with a huge smirk over his face. A glance at his neck reveals multiple hickeys.)

CUDDY: Stupid House.

CHASE: (to himself) Lucky bastard.

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: Wow, they let me be on screen this time!

DAVID SHORE: (from off-screen) And you'll come right back off if you don't stick to the script!

FOREMAN: (glares) FINE. Cuddy and Chase continued plotting to break Wilson and Cameron up, but all their efforts were thwarted. Luckily, they didn't have to try too hard, because Wilson, well, Wilson was kind of bad at relationships.

(FOREMAN exits.)

---

(In exam room one. WILSON is saying goodbye to a female patient.)

WILSON: Oh, and that's a lovely blouse you're wearing.

CAMERON: (bursts through the door) HOW COULD YOU!?

HOUSE: (from off-screen) WHORE!

WILSON: Cameron, I was just admiring her blouse.

CAMERON: Sure.

(CAMERON runs out of the room, crying. WILSON stands there, looking bewildered.)

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: And so it continued for months. The entire hospital placed bets and exchanged gossip about the Wilson-Cameron drama. No one cared about diagnostics, so House went back to Stacy. Chase became a stay at home dad and did most of the work raising Cuddy and Wilson's baby, (said with a look of immense disgust) Stefano. I never really did much anyway, so I guess—

DAVID SHORE: (From off-screen) Get to the point!

FOREMAN: Then, one night, Cuddy was swabbing something—gotta prevent those dead-baby epidemics—and she came across a rather startling discovery…

(FOREMAN exits.)

---

(Cut to CUDDY standing in a dark room in PPTH.)

CUDDY: Sweet holy Jesus.

(She looks down and we see CAMERON, lying on the floor. There is a knife stabbed through her chest and blood pooling around her inert body.)

CUDDY: The janitorial staff is going to flip out.

(CUDDY exits.)

_To be continued…_


	3. The Culprit

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: So Cameron was murdered. But who did it? (long pause) Who didn't do it? Seriously, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

(FOREMAN exits.)

---

(IN CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated behind her desk; CHASE is standing behind her; WILSON and FOREMAN are sitting on the couch, and HOUSE is sulking in the corner, as far away from WILSON as possible.)

CUDDY: A horrible crime has been perpetrated in this very hospital.

HOUSE: You're telling me. There was no steak in the cafeteria today.

CUDDY: Okay, let's ignore the steak for now and get to the matter at hand.

CHASE: What's the matter with your hand?

(Laughter.)

CUDDY: (slams hand down on desk) Quiet!

(EVERYONE grows quiet.) 

CUDDY: As I was saying, last night, I was in the hospital, swabbing down—

HOUSE: (interrupts) Chase?

CUDDY: (glares) No. I was swabbing the delivery rooms, and I saw Cameron. Someone stabbed her. Cameron is dead, guys.

(WILSON utters a high-pitched gasping sound.)

CHASE: No! She can't be dead!

FOREMAN: Crap, I have to turn in her, um…turn in OUR latest article by next week. 

HOUSE: The harlot had it coming,

CUDDY: (sighs and puts her head in her hands) I see that finding suspects won't be difficult.

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: Cameron's death threw the hospital into chaos. Well, kind of. Everyone wondered who did it and rumors spread throughout the hospital like, well, like that dead baby epidemic from a few years ago. The Princeton Police department was called in, but Tritter totally ignored the murder and tried to arrest the PPTH pharmacist for drug possession with intent to distribute. So Cuddy was forced to seek outside help.

(FOREMAN exits.)

---

(CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated at her desk.)

CUDDY: The Princeton Police Department's investigation went nowhere. Now, not only do I have to find Cameron's murderer, I have to hire a new pharmacist. I need help.

(singing)

Tritter's an awful police officer,

He got poor Marco arrested.  
He's made this whole thing even worse,

So I made some calls and requested…

The help of an old friend,  
She was here once before,  
Serving as PPTH's legal counsel,  
Who is it, you implore?

Why, it's House's ex-girlfriend!  
The one who cut off his leg,  
It was hard to get her to come here,  
I practically had to beg.

But she's on her way right now,  
She'll be here any minute.  
If Stacy can solve this case,  
My gratitude will be infinite.

(STACY enters.)

CUDDY: Stacy! You're here!

STACY: (singing)

Indeed, it is I.

The answer to all your woes,

CUDDY: (singing)

I want to hear your ideas,

What do you propose?

STACY: (singing)

I'll find out who did it,

I'll question everyone!

CUDDY: (singing)  
You'll have time alone with House,

Don't have too much fun.

STACY: (singing)

This is all business to me,

I'm not thinking about Greg at all.

CUDDY: (singing)

Good, now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to the mall.

(CUDDY exits.)

CUDDY: (from off-screen) There's a sale on low-cut tops!

(STACY gazes imploringly at the camera.)

STACY: (singing)

Fine, I'll tell the truth!  
I'm still in love with him.

I hope he takes me back,

Right now it's sink or swim.

I cheated on Mark for him,

And he told me to go to hell.

Will I be able to change his mind?  
Only time will tell…

(STACY exits.)

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: So Stacy came back. She _claimed _to want nothing more than to find out who killed Cameron, but there was little doubt that she wanted House back. For one thing, she didn't even get a hotel room. She just set up a sleeping bag in House's office. Between that and the whole Cameron debacle, PPTH became even more of an insane asylum than usual.

(singing)

Two degrees from Hopkins,

And a 4-0 GPA.

Look where that's gotten me,

Look where I'm at today.

My boss is a drug addict,

Chase's shirt doesn't match his pants,

Doc Hamilton offered me a job,

I should've left when I had the chance.

Cameron cares way too much,

And Wilson always sleeps around.

I wonder if Harvard Med's hiring,

'Cause I've got the weirdest job in town.

DAVID SHORE: (from off-screen) Foreman, I'm not paying you to sing! Hurry up!

FOREMAN: Anyway, Stacy began to question everyone about Cameron. I was twelfth on the list, right after Chase, Wilson, House, Cuddy, Nurse Brenda, that one clinic patient with the cockroach in his ear, the eleven-fingered lawyer, the tranny nurse, the lady who cuts Cameron's bangs, Tritter, and that one janitor who works on the third floor. They ignore me so much I'm not even a legitimate murder suspect.

(FOREMAN exits.)

---

(One of PPTH's dimly-lit back rooms. STACY is seated at a small desk overflowing with papers. She is wearing a trench coat.)

(CHASE enters.)

STACY: Sit down, Doctor Chase.

CHASE: Hi, Stacy. I don't really think we have anything to talk about.

STACY: Just sit down.

(CHASE sits down across from STACY.)

STACY: Where were you the night of September First?

CHASE: I was at home, watching _What Not to Wear_.

STACY: Can anyone confirm this?

CHASE: Uh, no. I live alone.

STACY: Exactly! You live alone.

CHASE: Yeah. I do.

STACY: So you admit it!

CHASE: That I live alone? Yeah.

STACY: So you killed Cameron?

CHASE: No! Of course not.

STACY: You have no alibi.

CHASE: That doesn't mean I killed her.

STACY: But you wanted to.

CHASE: (exasperatedly throws hands in the air) Oh, of course I wanted to! I bet there's not one person in the hospital who didn't want to.

(singing)

First she was a stranger, a colleague, a friend,

Then she became my lover.

A woman such as Cameron,

Few men will ever discover.

Sure, she cared too much,

And always had to be right.

But she was kind, and wouldn't

Give up on me without a fight.

She was mature, and went through things

Not many people could hack.

And it didn't hurt that she

Was damn good in the sack!

I shouldn't have gotten her pregnant,

That was a big mistake.

I shouldn't have hooked up with Cuddy,

For losing Cameron makes my heart ache.

The day she hooked with Wilson,

Was the saddest day of my life,

I had high hopes for me and Cameron,

I was going to ask her to be my wife.

I was mad, I was furious,

I wanted both of them to die.

But I wouldn't ever, I could never

Kill her, and that is not a lie.

STACY: That's touching.

CHASE: Thanks.

STACY: You're still a suspect.

CHASE: Oh. Can I go now?

STACY: Just don't leave town, okay?

(CHASE nods and exits.)

STACY: Well, he could have done it. But so could, well, pretty much everyone else. This may be harder than I originally thought. (sits there, thinking and humming CHASE'S song to herself.)

(WILSON enters.)

STACY: Hello, Doctor Wilson. Sit down.

WILSON: Stacy, we're friends. Call me James.

STACY: Outside this room, we're friends. Inside this room, you're a suspect.

WILSON: (appalled) How dare you? I sent your dying husband a teddy bear!

STACY: Let's cut to the chase, Wilson.

WILSON: Why is Chase cutting himself?

STACY: (sighs) Where were you on the night of September First?

WILSON: I was in my hotel room.

STACY: By yourself?

WILSON: Yeah. Cameron was at the hospital, and House and I don't really talk much anymore.

STACY: You and House don't talk much anymore?

WILSON: Not since I started dating Cameron.

STACY: Does that upset you?

WILSON: (singing)

You know nothing of my pain,  
I feel like I lost a part of me!

House was my best friend,

But he was more than that, you see.

House and I were in love,

But our relationship was flawed.

I couldn't fully commit,

The whole thing was a fraud.

But now that I realize it,

I'd do anything for him.

The love we have is true,

It's by no means just a whim.

I was stringing Cameron along,

What we had was going nowhere.

When we started fighting,

It was more than I could bear.

But I didn't kill her!

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

I swear I didn't do it,

If only I had an alibi.

STACY: That was very moving, but I'm not convinced. You certainly aren't lacking a motive.

WILSON: Oh, it's Cameron! Who doesn't have a motive?

STACY: That is true.

WILSON: Can I go? Cancer won't just cure itself.

STACY: Don't leave town. I'll be watching you.

(WILSON starts to exit.)

STACY: Hey, Wilson?

WILSON: What?

STACY: Has House ever mentioned me?

WILSON: No, sorry.

(WILSON exits.)

STACY: Curses.

(CUDDY enters.)

STACY: Good afternoon, Doctor Cuddy.

CUDDY: Hi, Stacy.

STACY: Please sit down.

(CUDDY sits.)

STACY: So you were the one who found the body?

CUDDY: Yes.

STACY: What were you doing at the hospital that late at night?

CUDDY: Swabbing.

STACY: Chase?

CUDDY: Why does everyone just assume…? Oh, whatever. No, I was swabbing the equipment. Can't have any more of those dying babies.

STACY: Did anyone see you there?

CUDDY: It was midnight. There probably weren't that many people there.

STACY: So you could have killed Cameron and pretended to find the body?

(Music starts up, then stops after CUDDY stays silent for a while.)

CUDDY: What the hell? I'm not going to sing. This is MY hospital, and I do not need a moving musical number to prove my innocence to you, damn it!

STACY: (writes notes on a legal pad, muttering to herself) Refuses to sing…

CUDDY: Stop it! Damn all this singing to hell!

STACY: This isn't looking good, Doctor Cuddy.

CUDDY: (sighs) I finally understand why Doctor Foreman has tried to quit his job so many times.

STACY: What was your relationship with Doctor Cameron?

CUDDY: She was House's employee. I hardly ever dealt with her.

STACY: But she was dating your ex-boyfriend, whom you left to date Cameron's ex-boyfriend, after he got her pregnant so she wouldn't leave him, but then you and Wilson switched your baby with theirs.

CUDDY: Okay, but aside from that, I hardly ever saw her.

STACY: I think I've heard enough. I'll be in touch.

CUDDY: You are a terrible detective.

STACY: Hey, you're the one that hired me.

CUDDY: And for that I can only blame myself. (CUDDY exits.)

(HOUSE enters.)

STACY: (in her "sexy voice") Hello, Greg.

HOUSE: (backs away slightly)

STACY: Do sit down

HOUSE: Please don't do this.

STACY: Do what?

HOUSE: Try to seduce me.

STACY: But Greg…we had such a good thing going.

HOUSE: Until you CUT OFF PART OF MY LEG.

STACY: Potato, po-tah-to.

HOUSE: (singing)

Stacy, you betrayed me.

And I became very bitter.

So basically your leaving me,

Led to that thing with Tritter.

I couldn't take it after you left,

But I managed to move on.

Then you came back and I told you

To go back to where you belong.

I found love with Wilson,

But we couldn't make it work.

I'll admit it was my fault,

I was a huge asshole jerk.

I still love him though,

I'd do anything to get him back.

But I don't blame you for wanting me,

'Cause I'm really good in the sack.

STACY: Well, fine then. Where were you on the night of September First?

HOUSE: With a hooker.

STACY: Can you confirm this?

HOUSE: Yeah, here's her card. (hands a small piece of paper to STACY) Go ahead and give her a call.

STACY: You can go.

(HOUSE exits.)

STACY: (rips up the card) Like hell I'm calling House's woman of the night.

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: The rest of Stacy's interviews didn't go well. Nurse Brenda tried to stab her with a pencil, the clinic patient screamed a lot, the lawyer's horrendous extra finger distracted her from anything he said, the tranny nurse hit on her, the hairstylist said that Cameron was a good tipper, Tritter tried to arrest a chair, and the janitor promptly quit his job. Now, it's my turn!

(FOREMAN leaves the narrator's area and enters STACY'S makeshift interrogation room.)

---

STACY: Hello, Doctor…um…Doctor…

FOREMAN: Foreman! Doctor Foreman!

STACY: Right. So, where were you on the night of September First?

FOREMAN: I was at my apartment, listening to some smooth jazz.

STACY: Anyone with you?

FOREMAN: No. I'm actually destined to be alone because of my tendency to push people away and other House-esque qualities.

STACY: How…interesting, Doctor Forearm.

FOREMAN: It's FOREMAN!

STACY: I'm sure it is. What was your relationship with Doctor Cameron like?

FOREMAN: (singing)

She got all the attention,

Though most of it was bad.

Everyone ignored me,

And it made me really sad.

STACY: No need to continue, Doctor Forehead.

FOREMAN: For the last time, my name is Foreman.

STACY: You stabbed Cameron with an infected needle, did you not?

FOREMAN: Well, I—

STACY: _And _stole her article? And told her that she wasn't your friend?

FOREMAN: (small voice) Yes…

STACY: This isn't looking good, Doctor Footman.

FOREMAN: Messing up my name is getting old really fast.

STACY: I'm sorry. It's just that I hear so little about you.

FOREMAN: Not my fault. Talk to the show's writers and those damn fanfic authors.

(FOREMAN storms out.)

STACY: This is shaping up to be my hardest case ever. Well, technically, it's my only case ever, but let's not nitpick.

---

(CUDDY'S office. CUDDY, HOUSE, and CHASE are seated on the couch while WILSON and FOREMAN stand behind it. STACY stands facing everyone.)

STACY: I've gathered you all here today to expose Cameron's murderer so she can rest in peace.

CUDDY: Thank God. It's about time this whole debacle was over.

STACY: As I was saying, Cameron's killer is right here in this room.

(EVERYONE gasps.)

STACY: The person who killed Cameron is….House!

HOUSE: You lie!

WILSON: How could you?

CHASE: Murderer!

FOREMAN: (silence)

HOUSE: No, seriously. You lie.

STACY: Do not!

HOUSE: Yes, you do. You're just mad because I wouldn't get back together with you so you're trying to frame me. I'm the only one of us with an actual alibi.

STACY: Well, so what? How dare you pick Wilson over me?

WILSON: You said that? (moves closer to HOUSE)

CUDDY: Oh, my God! Can you two please not reconcile right here in front of all of us? Stacy, tell us who killed Cameron or you'll be joining her in the land of the non-living.

STACY: You did.

CUDDY: Uh, what?

STACY: Okay, well, I didn't really solve the case, so I'm just hoping one of you confesses right now.

FOREMAN: Oh, hell! I did it! It was me!

STACY: Really?

FOREMAN: Yes! I was so sick of everyone being all "Cameron Cameron Cameron, let's pay attention to Cameron!" Do you know what it's like being the one that everybody ignores? YOU (glares at STACY) don't even know my damn name.

EVERYONE: (feels bad)

HOUSE: Sorry, Foreman.

WILSON: Yeah, me too.

CUDDY and STACY: (nod in agreement)

CHASE: Hell no! Don't apologize to this … this killer! I swear on my collection of hair products that I'll get you for this!


End file.
